Of Mustaches and Men

So through a series of coincidences, everyone thinks I'm Muslim now.

It started a few weeks ago when Sarah and I spent 15 minutes in Mydin (like Walmart but less evil) trying to explain the concept of voltage converter to its employees in the electronics department. I do think they understood that we wanted a "Amerika-Malaysia-konvertor-plug-buy," but they seemed to be fresh out, and or, doubtful that they ever existed. As a result we needed replacement products for the two things that had voltage issues: Sarah's hair straightener and my beard trimmer. No problem, since we're at Walmart's less evil cousin, we can certainly buy two hair-machine-products for cheap. Sarah's hair straightener- no problem. She gets one for 4 dollars.

Beard trimmer... slightly more problematic.

The concept of hair clipper seemed to be alive and well in Mydin electronics, and I had my pick of 5 brands, all for 5 dollars or less. But while Malay men might want shorter hair on the top of their heads, it was clearly all or nothing when it came to their faces. When I took the hair clipper box and mimed running it over my face, the employees shook their heads, half in awe, half in fear, and brought me over to an electric razor in a glass display case. It seems the well-groomed goatee has yet to strike it big in Malaysia.

So I caved to cultural norms and bought the trimmer that sounded the most Italian. Don't ask me why, I just trusted them with my face and general attractiveness.

Skip ahead to present day when I realize that my beard's gotten out of control and that since there's no suitable middle setting on the clipper, this puppy's coming off.

With the exception of the mustache and soul-patch, left on for aesthetic purposes. My personal aesthetic, it turns out, depends more on irony than anything else. Add in my new Malaysian Batik shirt since everything else is currently being washed and, voila! You have me looking like as much of a tool as I can muster.























For those of you who might not be the biggest fan of me looking like a tool, don't worry, the 'stache will not stick. But since I'm pretty anonymous here, it's fun while it lasts. Anyhoo, another fun quirk of Malaysia is the unavailability of iPod speakers. iPods are here in spades as are tsunami-causing speakers (Too soon? Sorry.), but they just haven't combined them here in the same way and with the same success.

So it was for iPod speakers and with a mustache that I set out today on my own for the first time in several weeks.

After not too long, I'm approached by a woman.
Woman: As-salam alaikum.
(Since this has never happened before I don't respond at first.)
Woman: Are you Muslim?
(I shake my head)
Woman: (Launches into her donation pitch until she realizes I haven't responded yet) Do you speak English?
(I realize I haven't said anything yet and I don't have to say yes. I motion with my hands "a little")
Woman: Money. Orphans. Poor.
(I gesture "money" by rubbing two fingers together.)
Woman: Yes.

I give her a ringgit and walk on. I fail to find iPod speakers at a few more electronic stores and end up at a bakery. I didn't think they'd have the speakers either, but good bread is a bit hard to come by. I settle on soft white bread, stuffed with kaya, which is like coconut butter.

Woman: Where are you from?
Me: America.
Woman: Are you Muslim?
Me: No.
Woman: Catholic?
Me: (I wave my hands in front of me and shake my head.)
Woman: Free?
Me: Yes. Free.

Religion's a touchy thing in this country, but I think this is the best answer that I've ever heard. It might be the best religion I've heard also. Free.

The last interaction was kind of a wash. I went to an internet cafe and made some poor young woman think that I wanted the biggest headphones ever created. I think with better language skills I could've explained computer-speakers-ear-bigger-buy in a way that didn't confuse and scare the sales clerks. Maybe in an alternate universe there's an Ezra who always has a mustache, is Muslim, and can speak Malay without destroying minimum wage workers' understanding of the world as they know it.

He still would have a hard time finding iPod speakers though.