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Showing posts from January, 2009

I shot a man in Folsom (while he was cheating on his wife)

(My thanks to the Man in Black for the title)

I was looking for a way to make some extra cash (still waiting to hear about that Australian island caretaker gig) when I stumbled across this Craigslist ad:

"Need someone with a camera and transportation
Suspect cheating fiance. Need you to go to three locations in Folsom, find his car, take photos and email them to me. Minimum pay $50. More depending on extent of job. Prefer someone that lives in Folsom for short notice calls. I hope you find nothing but either way, I need the truth because I fear STDs and need to be able to trust him."

Where to begin? First of all, I decided not to apply after a fair bit of deliberation, as there are some hefty pros and cons to weigh:

Pro:
I have a camera. Low start-up costs!

Con:
If I find the cheating fiance and he sees me, he might break the camera.

Pro:
$50 is equal to approximately 10 sandwiches.

Con:
$50 seems pretty cheap for potentially life-altering, future crushing information. I think she…

So Happy Together

Image
You know what's great? Happiness.

And you know what sucks? Boredom.

I've been on a break for the last 6 weeks and the lesson I've taken away from it is I don't much like being bored. The problem that goes along with this, though, is that I don't much like work. Work, it turns out, can be the antidote to being bored. This came as a substantial surprise to me, as I had long been under the impression that the antidote to boredom was Facebook. But under closer scrutiny, my experience on Facebook, or on most of the Internets in general, is basically just a low-level state of boredom.

Think about it: sure, there are some juicy pieces of gossip on FB, but in reality they are few and far between. For every engagement announcement or "relationship has ended" item on the news feed thee are 20 photo albums or status updates from that weird guy you had one class with sophomore year. Yes, Kurt, I'm sure your "LOLZ ugly sweater party!!!" was fun, but right…

The Sweet Escape

So it has recently come to my attention that I still don't have a job. I could've sworn I already got one, but apparently being a weekly blogger and daily sandwich-eater doesn't count.

Imagine my delight when I found a posting for a job that combines travel with infrequent blogging.... and pays $100,000.

Turns out you if you want to take care of an island in Australia for 6 months, you can make a nice pile of change.

I was getting really excited about this idea: beautiful beaches, fun accents, fresh seafood, and occasional travel writing... what could be better? But then I remembered: I already did this in Malaysia. And while I would never say I hated the experience, it's fair to say we had our issues. And I'd need to do some serious soul-searching before I put myself in another situation where fish was the default food for every meal.

But most people have never left their lives for 6 months for a tropical paradise, so they can't think of any possible problems…

Engage!

First thing's first: Sarah and I are engaged!

It seems that after all these years of living in sin, Sarah's finally going to make an honest woman out of me. I'm super happy.

But Sarah and I had a hard time properly expressing this happiness in written form. Observe:

1. Sarah and I are engaged.
While with a simple period, there is no one who doubts the fact that I'm now betrothed to my beloved, but there's also no doubt that I am a likely candidate for suicide watch. Not the right way to announce a new life. Pass.

2. Sarah and I are engaged!!!!!!!!!!! True, you get the sense that I'm very happy to be getting married, but you also get the sense that Sarah should be less happy, since she's going to tie the knot with an excitable pre-teen girl.

3. Sarah and I are engaged :)
Yes, there should be a smile, but honestly, just a closed parenthetical? That's the smile you give when someone gets a free doughnut at work, not when he announces one of the biggest decis…

EATD: Ezras Against Text Driving

Attention drivers: the DMV has asked me to publicize a new policy on texting while driving. In short, don't.

But since they pay by the word, I now present to you a brief FAQ to help illuminate what you can and can't do while driving.

Can I text while driving?
No.

Really?
Well, no, you still can. But now cops can also make money from you doing it.

What about talking on the cell phone?
No, you haven't been supposed to do that for like six months. Get one of those bluetooth headsets so you don't crash and kill us all.

Isn't that just a plug for cell phone accessory companies?
No. Maybe. Probably. You might want to go ahead and buy stock in one of them.

Which one?
It really doesn't matter, they'll all be bankrupt by the end of the year.

Can I file for bankruptcy while driving?
Let's be honest:if you're filing for bankruptcy, you're probably using your car for living, not driving, so the whole question is moot.

Hey man, that's not cool.
You didn't say I…