I shot a man in Folsom (while he was cheating on his wife)

(My thanks to the Man in Black for the title)

I was looking for a way to make some extra cash (still waiting to hear about that Australian island caretaker gig) when I stumbled across this Craigslist ad:

"Need someone with a camera and transportation
Suspect cheating fiance. Need you to go to three locations in Folsom, find his car, take photos and email them to me. Minimum pay $50. More depending on extent of job. Prefer someone that lives in Folsom for short notice calls. I hope you find nothing but either way, I need the truth because I fear STDs and need to be able to trust him."

Where to begin? First of all, I decided not to apply after a fair bit of deliberation, as there are some hefty pros and cons to weigh:

Pro:
I have a camera. Low start-up costs!

Con:
If I find the cheating fiance and he sees me, he might break the camera.

Pro:
$50 is equal to approximately 10 sandwiches.

Con:
$50 seems pretty cheap for potentially life-altering, future crushing information. I think she's low-balling me.

Pro:
Never been to Folsom before! Johnny Cash was there!

Con:
... at the Prison. That's pretty much all Folsom's known for. And now, allegedly cheating fiances. Sounds like a great place.

Pro:
Yeah, that's all I got.

Con:
It's a 45 minute drive away.

In the end, I couldn't really justify an hour and a half round trip to find out that this guy might not even be cheating. If she's going to hire me, she needs to be damn sure that he's cheating. Seriously, can you imagine having to be woken up at midnight by a phone call, drive through the night to Folsom just to find out that the guy went to In 'n Out for a burger craving? This job was to find out if he was cheating on his fiance, not his diet.

But then if it's a sure thing that he's cheating, we run into a couple of other problems:
1. The employer is not going to be too happy about this. Unhappy/emotionally destroyed people are not the most reliable employers. Nor are they the most stable people to be around. I don't need that headache.

2. The cheating fiance is, likewise, going to be pretty bummed. I don't need a pissed off guy, badass enough to be desirable to two different women, and therefore probably fresh out of Folsom State Prison, to be on my tail itching to break parole and my kneecaps.

3. Did you catch the part where it said "$50, more depending on extent of job?" That's a really intense phrase right there. Just what's the extent that this job could go to? Do I have to collect fluid samples? Do I have to pose as a bellboy and "accidentally" walk in on the cuckolding criminal and his courtesan? Do I have to dress in drag and try to seduce the guy? (Try? Do or do not-- there is no try.) Does she need video footage as well? HD? Widescreen format? What's the production quality she's talking about here? Do I need to hire a foley artist?

4. The employer said that she needs to be able to trust him. I think it's fair to say that no matter what, this marriage is doomed. Can you really picture them reminiscing at their 20th anniversary, "honey, do you remember the time I paid people to follow you to make sure you weren't cheating?"

5. How does she know that there are only three locations to go to? How on Earth did she narrow those down? Are there really only three places in Folsom where it's possible to have sex? Yet another reason to never go to Folsom.

When it comes down to it, this all seems like a lot of work. I know I said I was bored before, but it seems like an across-the-board terrible idea to try and entangle myself in a future failed marriage with trust issues, possible STDs and a town with a prison and limited make-out spots.

But then there's this guy asking for a Brazilian wax specialist:

Now that's a job I can get behind.

Comments

David Fox said…
What an awesome job! If you change your mind, I'll be your Foley artist.
bonus points for using the word "cuckolding" which I find fascinating after reading about it being used to describe Angela on "The Office."
Annie Fox said…
If only the second Craig's List seeker was looking for a Costa Rican waxer then you could have, maybe, kinda... possibly surpassed the competition with a helping Pura Vida served over of fried plantain. Butt, nah, Forget it, Ez. The job's probably not what it's cracked up to be.

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