EATD: Ezras Against Text Driving

Attention drivers: the DMV has asked me to publicize a new policy on texting while driving. In short, don't.

But since they pay by the word, I now present to you a brief FAQ to help illuminate what you can and can't do while driving.

Can I text while driving?
No.

Really?
Well, no, you still can. But now cops can also make money from you doing it.

What about talking on the cell phone?
No, you haven't been supposed to do that for like six months. Get one of those bluetooth headsets so you don't crash and kill us all.

Isn't that just a plug for cell phone accessory companies?
No. Maybe. Probably. You might want to go ahead and buy stock in one of them.

Which one?
It really doesn't matter, they'll all be bankrupt by the end of the year.

Can I file for bankruptcy while driving?
Let's be honest: if you're filing for bankruptcy, you're probably using your car for living, not driving, so the whole question is moot.

Hey man, that's not cool.
You didn't say I was wrong.

What food can I eat while driving?
Buffalo wings.

Anything else?
The celery sticks that come with buffalo wings.

That seems pretty arbitrary.
So buy stock in Hooters.

What if I'm a vegetarian?
Then you can eat hummus. And the celery sticks that come with hummus.

I think you might have gone mad with power.
Ooh, for that you can only listen to Rick Astley while driving.

But I don't know who that is!
Then you can listen to NPR, but only with the bass all the way up and the volume to low to hear.

I hate driving. You made Terry Gross sound like Barry White. This is the worst FAQ ever.
Just for that you can only drive a Chevy Vega... with your face.

Screw it, I'll walk.
Yeah, that's probably a good call.

Tune in next week when I unveil the IRS's new laws about only accepting taxes paid in live chickens, gold doubloons, or sexual favors. Happy new year, and drive safe.

Comments

Fayette Fox said…
Best FAQ I've read in a long time! The DMV sure picked the right person to roll out their new rule. Is there a law against washing your hair while driving? How about knitting while skiing? Walking a dog while taking an exam? So little time, so much to do!
8:47 AM
David Fox said…
I wonder what it would make Barry White sound like... a Star Destroyer passing overhead?
9:37 AM
Unknown said…
you really ought to have specified that you're talking about california. i got way upset for a minute there until i remembered you live in a different place and i can still text and drive as much as i want. as long as i don't go to california.
4:03 PM
Joe said…
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The Onion News Network is now accepting applications for a freelance writing position. For more information, please send a resume and brief letter outlining your previous writing experience to onnwritingapplications@gmail.com
7:00 PM
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