Fox Life

Dear World, I am a simple man with simple needs. In fact, I am typing this on a laptop nearly 7 years old held together by duct tape and extra strips of aluminum. I do not ask for much. One thing I do ask for, however, is sandwiches. They are beautiful, pure, and delicious. They are versatile, they are humble, and they are there when you need them. Therefore, I do not think it is asking for too much to be able to make a sandwich for myself without having a cockroach crawl out from inside the toaster. Well, technically, it just popped its head out of the toaster, much in the way one might when encountering a giant who was converting your home into an oven to brown two slices of bread. That is to say, it looked slightly annoyed and assumed that I would shortly stop. And what else could I do? I unplugged the toaster, took out the very lightly toasted toast, and carried the roach/bread duplex and shook the crap out of the it until the roach conceded the fight to gravity and my blind fury. ...

"Swallow a toad in the morning and you will encounter nothing more disgusting the rest of the day. " - Nicolas de Chamfort If you can't find any toads, just clean up a dead rat. Dead rat removal is now my least favorite thing I have done more than once. While their dying might have been mildly more traumatic for the rats than for myself, their deaths are over whereas I have to deal with the memories of their corpses forever. FOR-EV-ER. But I know why you're here. You want to know how to do it. As I have become the resident rat remover, you've come to the right place. Here are my 34 easy steps to getting rid of a rat: 1. Notice that the house smells bad. 2. Ignore the smell. 3. Convince yourself that the smell is getting better. Maybe it wasn't a dead rat after all, you think. 4. See a lot of flies in parts of the house that were previously fly-free. 5. Ignore the flies. 6. Wake up one morning and realize that the smell is getting worse, the flies are getting w...

Hey, for anyone who hasn't see it yet, I was published in the highly prestigious literary journal, Precipitate . As part of my hilarious work with Read it and Weep , I read Sarah Palin's "book" Going Rogue to make fun of it. As is the case with everything we read, it was terrible. But the upside is now you never have to read it. I can assure you that my literary review is much shorter, funnier, and better written than anything that Palin has to offer. Enjoy.

Wow, been a little while, huh? So I had my wisdom tooth taken out earlier this month. Just one though, in the bottom left slot. Turns out the one on the right doesn't exist and the two on the top are just too puny to be bothered with right now. I haven't been famously great with decision-making, so it was a tough one when they asked me how I wanted to be sedated. There's general anesthesia, an IV drip, and nitrous. Then, for those of us whose last name is Hulk, first name "The Incredible," there's the novocaine-only option. Wikipedia told me there's a 1 in 350,000 chance of dying under general, so that was out, because I'm pretty sure I'm one in a million, and would hate to have to die three times to prove it. (That's how odds work, right?) The IV drip had too much in common with Rocky IV, so I had to pass on that too. Nitrous, on the other hand, is awesome. 1. It makes cars go faster . 2. It makes whipped cream more delicious. 3. It provides k...

So for those of you who haven't been reading the news , now is not the best time to be reliant on the state of California for anything. Unfortunately, as a student of a public university, I'm currently looking to them to make me a writer. Not the best idea. A few weeks ago, SFSU decided that me going to school one day a week was just too much, so there was a furlough day on my one day of school. For people unfamiliar with the term, furlough mean teachers don't work, the school doesn't pay them, and I have 13 days off in a row for no good reason. It's a crazy, debt-ridden world we're living in, people. Greeting me upon my triumphant return to school was a cat-sized dust bunny in the corner of my classroom. A fellow student was quick to point out that this was clearly an "F-you" dust bunny, and I'm inclined to agree. If tenured teachers are taking mandatory days off, then imagine what the administration's doing to cut the costs of people who are...

I discovered how to use Photoshop. Take that, Kanye.

I had my first class of the new semester yesterday and one of my professors said something that just floored me: "Class is the last taboo in America." And here I was thinking it was bestiality. Once again, I owe a sincere appology to Eddie Munster . And John Travolta . And possibly Catherine the Great . There's only one way to find out if class is a taboo or not: the comedy test. As Wikipedia tells me: "When done as a parody or comedy, said or done by comedians, taboo topics and subject matter can induce comical reaction by the general public..." There were several bestiality jokes in the beginning of this post. I thought they were funny. So it's probably still taboo. And a fun one at that. So is class still taboo? I've got two reasons to think it isn't. 1. Aren't we all poor now? I mean I guess you can still have bragging rights about the 6-figure job you used to have, but when unemployment runs out, we'll all be in line at Walmart together...