Cracker Fail
It has recently come to my attention that there might be more than one type of person in the world. Shocking, I know.
First there are people like me who, if given a dollar for food, will find the most calorically rich and nutritionally-balanced offering the market has and settle on something wholesome, like a loaf of bread. (In fact, I think there were people at my high school who thought that one of my hands was made out of a baguette.)
Then there are the other people who I will call the Snackers. Or maybe... the Snack Pack? Snackasaurus Snacks? Or perhaps just Sarah, as she is an epic snacker. Snacking is a strange concept to me now. If you're hungry, my mind reasons, you eat a meal, preferably a sandwich. If you are less hungry, you eat a smaller meal, preferably half a sandwich. And if you're not hungry at all, you make a sandwich, and stare at it until you have the desire to eat it.
The principle applies to restaurants. If you're hungry, you order a meal, if not, you eat the free bread. And if you didn't get enough free bread, you order dessert.
But there are these snackers (like Sarah) out there who understand food... differently. Whereas I might look at an iced tea and an appetizer as a waste of resources (that could buy a whole other sandwich!), these snackers (again, like Sarah) might see it as a flourish that adds to the richness of the experience. Crazy, I know.
So was it any doubt that when my snacker friend Brian asked me to go on a food run I'd fail miserably? I was given $10 to spend at Walgreens and I bought:
A loaf of Buttermilk bread (good for sandwiches)
A pound of penne pasta (in case there's nothing to make a sandwich with)
A cup of yogurt (maybe it's too early/late for a sandwich)
A pint of cookies and cream (I understand dessert goes well after sandwiches)
A box of Goldfish knockoffs (can be used as plate filler to surround the sandwich)
And $2 in change (so you can buy other things... for the sandwich!)
In case you're wondering, yes, you can tell the difference between Goldfish and Goldfish knockoffs. They were a terrible idea for many reasons:
1. They were called "A Whale of a Snack" and they were a Finding Nemo tie-in product.
2. Didn't that movie come out like 5 years ago? Why did I think these would be fresh?
3. Doesn't Disney make movies? Why would I think they could make edible things? Would I go see an animated film by the Keebler Elves?
4. They were cheaper than Goldfish and they had almost twice as many crackers. How could they possibly be so cheap and edible?
In short, they can't. They can just be crappy and plentiful. They taste like stale, deformed Goldfish that committed suicide by falling into a Top Ramen flavor packet. Basically, I would not recommend it.
I did, however, get to call Walgreens and tell them that the crackers were a blight on this Earth and responsible for all the evils of humanity. Plus, I got entered to win $3000, so that's pretty alright. It wouldn't make up for having to eat those cheddar monstrosities, but at least it's a start.
Cracker fail aside, you might notice that while items on my shopping list are practical, few are actually good snack foods. The keywords for a good snack food are "flavored" and "bite-sized,"while the key tastes are of overwhelming saltiness, sweetness, or gumminess. In short, snacks are impractical foods that are not meant to sustain life, but rather to enhance it. If meal-food were a cup of coffee, then snacks would be the doily that comes with it. I have nothing against doilies, and can, on occasion appreciate their frivolity and beauty. But, to stretch the metaphor to the breaking point, it turns out that it's a bad idea to send a caffeine-junkie on a doily run. They only bring back coffee.
In the aftermath of the snack run fail, Brian's ambivalent about returning the crappy crackers, probably because he doesn't want to be the kind of person who returns $2 worth of merchandise. Me, I have no problems with it. Walgreens has a lenient return policy and need I remind you, that those $2 could be put toward real Goldfish crackers? You know, the kind that don't make you want to disinfect your tongue and replace your teeth.
And besides, do you know how much bread $2 can buy? Definitely enough for a sandwich.
First there are people like me who, if given a dollar for food, will find the most calorically rich and nutritionally-balanced offering the market has and settle on something wholesome, like a loaf of bread. (In fact, I think there were people at my high school who thought that one of my hands was made out of a baguette.)
Then there are the other people who I will call the Snackers. Or maybe... the Snack Pack? Snackasaurus Snacks? Or perhaps just Sarah, as she is an epic snacker. Snacking is a strange concept to me now. If you're hungry, my mind reasons, you eat a meal, preferably a sandwich. If you are less hungry, you eat a smaller meal, preferably half a sandwich. And if you're not hungry at all, you make a sandwich, and stare at it until you have the desire to eat it.
The principle applies to restaurants. If you're hungry, you order a meal, if not, you eat the free bread. And if you didn't get enough free bread, you order dessert.
But there are these snackers (like Sarah) out there who understand food... differently. Whereas I might look at an iced tea and an appetizer as a waste of resources (that could buy a whole other sandwich!), these snackers (again, like Sarah) might see it as a flourish that adds to the richness of the experience. Crazy, I know.
So was it any doubt that when my snacker friend Brian asked me to go on a food run I'd fail miserably? I was given $10 to spend at Walgreens and I bought:
A loaf of Buttermilk bread (good for sandwiches)
A pound of penne pasta (in case there's nothing to make a sandwich with)
A cup of yogurt (maybe it's too early/late for a sandwich)
A pint of cookies and cream (I understand dessert goes well after sandwiches)
A box of Goldfish knockoffs (can be used as plate filler to surround the sandwich)
And $2 in change (so you can buy other things... for the sandwich!)
In case you're wondering, yes, you can tell the difference between Goldfish and Goldfish knockoffs. They were a terrible idea for many reasons:
1. They were called "A Whale of a Snack" and they were a Finding Nemo tie-in product.
2. Didn't that movie come out like 5 years ago? Why did I think these would be fresh?
3. Doesn't Disney make movies? Why would I think they could make edible things? Would I go see an animated film by the Keebler Elves?
4. They were cheaper than Goldfish and they had almost twice as many crackers. How could they possibly be so cheap and edible?
In short, they can't. They can just be crappy and plentiful. They taste like stale, deformed Goldfish that committed suicide by falling into a Top Ramen flavor packet. Basically, I would not recommend it.
I did, however, get to call Walgreens and tell them that the crackers were a blight on this Earth and responsible for all the evils of humanity. Plus, I got entered to win $3000, so that's pretty alright. It wouldn't make up for having to eat those cheddar monstrosities, but at least it's a start.
Cracker fail aside, you might notice that while items on my shopping list are practical, few are actually good snack foods. The keywords for a good snack food are "flavored" and "bite-sized,"while the key tastes are of overwhelming saltiness, sweetness, or gumminess. In short, snacks are impractical foods that are not meant to sustain life, but rather to enhance it. If meal-food were a cup of coffee, then snacks would be the doily that comes with it. I have nothing against doilies, and can, on occasion appreciate their frivolity and beauty. But, to stretch the metaphor to the breaking point, it turns out that it's a bad idea to send a caffeine-junkie on a doily run. They only bring back coffee.
In the aftermath of the snack run fail, Brian's ambivalent about returning the crappy crackers, probably because he doesn't want to be the kind of person who returns $2 worth of merchandise. Me, I have no problems with it. Walgreens has a lenient return policy and need I remind you, that those $2 could be put toward real Goldfish crackers? You know, the kind that don't make you want to disinfect your tongue and replace your teeth.
And besides, do you know how much bread $2 can buy? Definitely enough for a sandwich.
Comments
Imagine what kind of snack food they'd be selling in the lobby... no popcorn, I'm sure.
So, other than the failed crackers, why else was the shopping run a failure? What did Snacker Brian crave?
-David "Basically I would not recommend it" Fox