Thanks, AIG!
A lot of people have been upset about AIG getting $165 million in bonuses from hardworking American tax payers like... well, not like me, but like people who actually have to pay taxes. Like my parents. And other people whose main source of income isn't from making sandwiches for an octogenarian every other week.
As much as I like a good outrage (and I do love 'em), I'm just going to go ahead and say that everyone's missing the point on this one. We shouldn't be pissed that AIG executives have been rewarded with fat sacks of cash for breaking the economy-- we should be grateful that we finally know where all that money is so we can go get our share!
Allow me to explain.
Now, if we were to put that same $165 mil towards something boring like public schools or healthcare, it'd barely make a dent. My share of that money as 1/300 millionth of America is 55 cents. Nothing to write home about, unless you can buy an envelope and a piece of paper for 13 cents to go along with that overpriced stamp.
But imagine if we were to give $165 million to one or two hundred people with a history of being terrible with money. That way we know who has the money and have a good idea of where it's going. It's just like filling up dozens of executive-shaped piñatas with wads of cash. Just give me a baseball bat, spin me around, and we can start spreading out the wealth.
See, all we have to do is find out what rich, irresponsible people would spend money on and invest in that! I'm recommending strong buys in cocaine, hookers, iPhones, and Iron Man suits. Tony Stark and Steve Jobs: you will now be slightly richer. Coke dealers: don't get a day job.Hookers: if you want to get rich, just invest things that your pimp would buy. How lucky are we to already know where that money's going?! It's like insider trading, but with more legality and less Eddie Murphy.
But hold on a second there, Winthorpe. Isn't this Reaganomics? And didn't we already try this in the '80s and fail?
Yes and no. You see, Reaganomics was a terrible idea because, among other reasons, it relied on rich people spending money in a way that benefitted poor people. Well, that ain't gonna happen. But rich people have no problem spending money in ways that benefit themselves!
It's really our own fault for not realizing this sooner. Why were we getting so worked up about executives getting $165 million? It's not like they could just hoard the money. They're going to need gold-plated hookers, gold-plated iPhones, and a new product called the iHooker which they'll need to invent and then have plated with gold. (More investment tips: strong buy recommended on "Gold-Plated Anything Inc.")
And the news keeps on getting better for my readers that happen to be hardened criminals as well (Yeah, Walla Walla!). Don't you all hate it when you go to the trouble of robbing someone only to find out he's as broke as you? You end up feeling sorry for him and giving him a dollar to buy a loaf of bread, possibly for a sandwich. What if I told you that there's a list of 72 premium targets, each with over $1 million bucks that they know they don't deserve?
Random robbery is inefficient and wasteful. It's much better to know who has money to burn so you get what you want and don't have to feel bad about it afterward. All you have to do is go to New York and look for the coked out guys with the iHookers. They'll be so snowblind you might not even have to ask for their money. Just give 'em a gold-plated bag of sugar and they'll throw a wad of bills at you. If you can live off of that until the next executive gets millions in bonuses then you'll get through this recession just fine.
As much as I like a good outrage (and I do love 'em), I'm just going to go ahead and say that everyone's missing the point on this one. We shouldn't be pissed that AIG executives have been rewarded with fat sacks of cash for breaking the economy-- we should be grateful that we finally know where all that money is so we can go get our share!
Allow me to explain.
Now, if we were to put that same $165 mil towards something boring like public schools or healthcare, it'd barely make a dent. My share of that money as 1/300 millionth of America is 55 cents. Nothing to write home about, unless you can buy an envelope and a piece of paper for 13 cents to go along with that overpriced stamp.
But imagine if we were to give $165 million to one or two hundred people with a history of being terrible with money. That way we know who has the money and have a good idea of where it's going. It's just like filling up dozens of executive-shaped piñatas with wads of cash. Just give me a baseball bat, spin me around, and we can start spreading out the wealth.
See, all we have to do is find out what rich, irresponsible people would spend money on and invest in that! I'm recommending strong buys in cocaine, hookers, iPhones, and Iron Man suits. Tony Stark and Steve Jobs: you will now be slightly richer. Coke dealers: don't get a day job.Hookers: if you want to get rich, just invest things that your pimp would buy. How lucky are we to already know where that money's going?! It's like insider trading, but with more legality and less Eddie Murphy.
But hold on a second there, Winthorpe. Isn't this Reaganomics? And didn't we already try this in the '80s and fail?
Yes and no. You see, Reaganomics was a terrible idea because, among other reasons, it relied on rich people spending money in a way that benefitted poor people. Well, that ain't gonna happen. But rich people have no problem spending money in ways that benefit themselves!
It's really our own fault for not realizing this sooner. Why were we getting so worked up about executives getting $165 million? It's not like they could just hoard the money. They're going to need gold-plated hookers, gold-plated iPhones, and a new product called the iHooker which they'll need to invent and then have plated with gold. (More investment tips: strong buy recommended on "Gold-Plated Anything Inc.")
And the news keeps on getting better for my readers that happen to be hardened criminals as well (Yeah, Walla Walla!). Don't you all hate it when you go to the trouble of robbing someone only to find out he's as broke as you? You end up feeling sorry for him and giving him a dollar to buy a loaf of bread, possibly for a sandwich. What if I told you that there's a list of 72 premium targets, each with over $1 million bucks that they know they don't deserve?
Random robbery is inefficient and wasteful. It's much better to know who has money to burn so you get what you want and don't have to feel bad about it afterward. All you have to do is go to New York and look for the coked out guys with the iHookers. They'll be so snowblind you might not even have to ask for their money. Just give 'em a gold-plated bag of sugar and they'll throw a wad of bills at you. If you can live off of that until the next executive gets millions in bonuses then you'll get through this recession just fine.
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