A Nice Doomsday for a Gay Wedding
I was sure that after I wrote about the end of the world in the last post it would go away forever, since that's what happens to most things that I write about. But no, the end of the world made a repeat appearance in my life yesterday, and seeing as how doomsday is one of my pet interests, I'm giving it another 700 words.
At an end of the semester class party, a classmate mentioned that she had a list of things to do before the world ended in 4 years. She called it a bucket list, but it might more accurately be referred to as a Four Horsemen list, a Boomsday list, or of course, a Galactus list. I'm a great lover of lists, resolutions to live your life to the fullest, and challenging yourself in potentially catastrophic ways, so naturally I'm all for the Galactus list project.
I was especially impressed since the thing she had already checked off the list was getting married. That takes some chutzpah. She also revealed that she's getting divorced now, as she can still check marriage off the list since staying married isn't something she's trying to do. I only hope that Prop 8 gets reversed soon so everyone can check marriage off their Boomsday list with any gender they want. If you think about it, the end of the world will take care of most of the anti-gay marriage arguments.
1. Gay marriage will destroy marriage.
- No, a giant asteroid will do that in 4 years, along with destroying humanity, the Earth, and, well, everything.
2. Gay marriage will destroy the family.
- Once again, no. An asteroid. An asteroid will destroy the family. Gay marriage will not affect the destruction of the family, although it will affect the number of gay weddings you'll be able to attend in the last 4 years of your life.
3. Gay marriage will lead to polygamy.
- I'm pretty sure that people wanting to have sex with as many people as possible before the world explodes will lead to polygamy. Gay marriage will lead to gay marriage... and possibly gay divorces, which could very well be another item on someone's Galactus list.
4. Gay marriage will make God angry.
- If God's letting all of us die in four years, he's clearly not that happy now. I'm not convinced we could even do anything that would elicit a great punishment from her. In fact, it might be time to admit to ourselves that we have no f'ing clue what God wants from us, since our planet seems to have been laid waste to an awful lot during humanity's run. Hell, maybe God just likes destroying things.
5. Marriage is to procreate.
- Newsflash, the species is doomed. The planet is doomed. The more kids you have in the next four years, the more kids will get eaten by the Cloverfield monster, smashed by an asteroid, or crushed by the Terminator/Matrix uprisings. The people who are against gay marriage are usually against abortions (in the 1st and 2nd trimesters), and I think we can all agree procreating in the face of doomsday will just lead to unnecessary 16th trimester abortions. We don't need that on our conscience come judgment day. More gay marriages = less dead kids.
6. Children will be taught homosexuality in school.
- What kids would still go to school after they knew the world was going to end in four years? More to the point, what teacher would spend their last precious few years of life teaching something kids already know about? (They've already seen the Teletubbies, after all.) Here's what'd happen: All kids younger than high school get four years of summer vacation. Everyone else can go to college, since that's pretty good too. If teachers still want to spend some of their non-orgy time teaching, they can knock themselves out.
So, do your part and tell people who are anti-gay marriage that the world is ending. They'll start focusing on what's really important and get started on their Boomsday lists. Gay marriage isn't going to lead to the Apocalypse, but if we're lucky, the Apocalypse might just lead to gay marriage.
The sooner we get this done, the sooner I can check off "marry and divorce Hugh Jackman" from my list.
At an end of the semester class party, a classmate mentioned that she had a list of things to do before the world ended in 4 years. She called it a bucket list, but it might more accurately be referred to as a Four Horsemen list, a Boomsday list, or of course, a Galactus list. I'm a great lover of lists, resolutions to live your life to the fullest, and challenging yourself in potentially catastrophic ways, so naturally I'm all for the Galactus list project.
I was especially impressed since the thing she had already checked off the list was getting married. That takes some chutzpah. She also revealed that she's getting divorced now, as she can still check marriage off the list since staying married isn't something she's trying to do. I only hope that Prop 8 gets reversed soon so everyone can check marriage off their Boomsday list with any gender they want. If you think about it, the end of the world will take care of most of the anti-gay marriage arguments.
1. Gay marriage will destroy marriage.
- No, a giant asteroid will do that in 4 years, along with destroying humanity, the Earth, and, well, everything.
2. Gay marriage will destroy the family.
- Once again, no. An asteroid. An asteroid will destroy the family. Gay marriage will not affect the destruction of the family, although it will affect the number of gay weddings you'll be able to attend in the last 4 years of your life.
3. Gay marriage will lead to polygamy.
- I'm pretty sure that people wanting to have sex with as many people as possible before the world explodes will lead to polygamy. Gay marriage will lead to gay marriage... and possibly gay divorces, which could very well be another item on someone's Galactus list.
4. Gay marriage will make God angry.
- If God's letting all of us die in four years, he's clearly not that happy now. I'm not convinced we could even do anything that would elicit a great punishment from her. In fact, it might be time to admit to ourselves that we have no f'ing clue what God wants from us, since our planet seems to have been laid waste to an awful lot during humanity's run. Hell, maybe God just likes destroying things.
5. Marriage is to procreate.
- Newsflash, the species is doomed. The planet is doomed. The more kids you have in the next four years, the more kids will get eaten by the Cloverfield monster, smashed by an asteroid, or crushed by the Terminator/Matrix uprisings. The people who are against gay marriage are usually against abortions (in the 1st and 2nd trimesters), and I think we can all agree procreating in the face of doomsday will just lead to unnecessary 16th trimester abortions. We don't need that on our conscience come judgment day. More gay marriages = less dead kids.
6. Children will be taught homosexuality in school.
- What kids would still go to school after they knew the world was going to end in four years? More to the point, what teacher would spend their last precious few years of life teaching something kids already know about? (They've already seen the Teletubbies, after all.) Here's what'd happen: All kids younger than high school get four years of summer vacation. Everyone else can go to college, since that's pretty good too. If teachers still want to spend some of their non-orgy time teaching, they can knock themselves out.
So, do your part and tell people who are anti-gay marriage that the world is ending. They'll start focusing on what's really important and get started on their Boomsday lists. Gay marriage isn't going to lead to the Apocalypse, but if we're lucky, the Apocalypse might just lead to gay marriage.
The sooner we get this done, the sooner I can check off "marry and divorce Hugh Jackman" from my list.
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