Final Countdown
Cue the music.
Sarah's friend Jamie told her, while studying for finals, that she hoped the world would end in 2012 so the grades for the semester wouldn't matter.
Now I'm all for the world ending, and if the Mayans called it, all the better. But before wishing the world explodes, implodes, or gets eaten by Galactus, there might be a few easier ways to weasel out of finals.
1. If you have to send in a final paper via email, send in a corrupted file. You give your professor a correctly named file, say "Ezra's Legitimate Term Paper," and through no fault of your own, it doesn't open. By the time your professor realizes this and asks you for a new copy, you've just bought yourself a few more hours of work, sleep, or praying for the world to end. Sadly, this is only a stall tactic, as you will eventually have to turn in a real paper, assuming your assignment wasn't just to send a corrupted file to a professor.
2. Get sick. Standards for what constitute being sick have gotten way out of hand in this day and age, so almost anything will count if you take it seriously enough. Who's to say you don't have foreign accent syndrome (you speak with an uncontrollable new accent), TMAU (making you smell like rotting fish), or Jumping Frenchmen of Maine disorder (making you a French Canadian Lumberjack)?
And if you don't want to wheel out any of these new diseases, pull out one of the tried and true illnesses from yesteryear. It turns out you can get scurvy by attempting to live by ramen alone. If you're Amish you still might get polio. And what about the Plague? Might be time for a comeback.
3. Throw someone under the bus. (Figuratively) Any chance that the curve killer in your class might be an illegal immigrant? Drug addict? Republican? How about your professor? Report them to the proper authorities and let the system do its work.
4. Throw someone under the bus. (Literally) You'll be so wrapped up with court procedings, jail time, and executions that you'll definitely get out of having to take that exam.
5. Fake your own death. Dead men tell no tales, wear no plaid, and take no final exams.
6. Study something that renders finals irrelevant. That way you slay the finals beast once and for all. Something like, I don't know, an MFA in Creative Writing. I should warn you though, there seems to be a direct correlation between how stressful the finals are and how useful the culminating degree will be once you're released into the real world...
... of course, the world's only got about four years left to go, so you might want to consider dropping out of school now while you can still go outside without having to swim through Galactus's digestive juices.
You've been warned.
Sarah's friend Jamie told her, while studying for finals, that she hoped the world would end in 2012 so the grades for the semester wouldn't matter.
Now I'm all for the world ending, and if the Mayans called it, all the better. But before wishing the world explodes, implodes, or gets eaten by Galactus, there might be a few easier ways to weasel out of finals.
1. If you have to send in a final paper via email, send in a corrupted file. You give your professor a correctly named file, say "Ezra's Legitimate Term Paper," and through no fault of your own, it doesn't open. By the time your professor realizes this and asks you for a new copy, you've just bought yourself a few more hours of work, sleep, or praying for the world to end. Sadly, this is only a stall tactic, as you will eventually have to turn in a real paper, assuming your assignment wasn't just to send a corrupted file to a professor.
2. Get sick. Standards for what constitute being sick have gotten way out of hand in this day and age, so almost anything will count if you take it seriously enough. Who's to say you don't have foreign accent syndrome (you speak with an uncontrollable new accent), TMAU (making you smell like rotting fish), or Jumping Frenchmen of Maine disorder (making you a French Canadian Lumberjack)?
And if you don't want to wheel out any of these new diseases, pull out one of the tried and true illnesses from yesteryear. It turns out you can get scurvy by attempting to live by ramen alone. If you're Amish you still might get polio. And what about the Plague? Might be time for a comeback.
3. Throw someone under the bus. (Figuratively) Any chance that the curve killer in your class might be an illegal immigrant? Drug addict? Republican? How about your professor? Report them to the proper authorities and let the system do its work.
4. Throw someone under the bus. (Literally) You'll be so wrapped up with court procedings, jail time, and executions that you'll definitely get out of having to take that exam.
5. Fake your own death. Dead men tell no tales, wear no plaid, and take no final exams.
6. Study something that renders finals irrelevant. That way you slay the finals beast once and for all. Something like, I don't know, an MFA in Creative Writing. I should warn you though, there seems to be a direct correlation between how stressful the finals are and how useful the culminating degree will be once you're released into the real world...
... of course, the world's only got about four years left to go, so you might want to consider dropping out of school now while you can still go outside without having to swim through Galactus's digestive juices.
You've been warned.
Comments
simply don't turn the paper in and see if you can still pass the class.
i've never done it, though i know those who have...