Gonzo's Pants

I've been meaning to write about this for over a year now. My parents' neighbor is solidly insane. A little while ago my parents had a fence built, dividing their property from his. The neighbor (let's call him Gonzo) was solidly pissed off by this since he didn't realize all that land was my parents', and in retaliation, he tied a pair of soiled pants to a clothesline facing the property line.

Gonzo told them that the pants meant "kiss my ass," but like abstract art, I believe threats are open to interpretation.

For example, there's no reason to think this symbol doesn't also mean "I'm naked," "I'm clearly bat-sh*t crazy," or even "I'm protesting the child labor that went into making these Gap khakis." In all likelihood, all of the above answers are correct.

The reason I bring this up now is that it's been over a year since the pants went up and... they haven't moved. I appreciate Gonzo's conviction whole-heartedly; I don't think I've been able to hold the same opinion about anything for more than a year, and I definitely haven't been able to hang on to an upset for that long. Gonzo's not a quitter, and we can all learn something from him. I mean, if the pants haven't come down in the first year, it's fair to say that they'll be up there until boomsday. And given the high-quality craftsmanship that child labor undoubtedly produced, they might very well be the only thing left standing when the world is populated by cockroaches and talking apes.

Most of us pale in comparison to Gonzo for our ability to hold a grudge. The best we usually can muster is to dredge up some infantile slight from childhood to trot out once a year at a family gathering. Sure, we all say we'll remember the wrongdoing forever, but like most new year's resolutions, we break this one by the time the leftover champagne has gone flat.

But fear not, gentle readers. With the holidays fast approaching I'm going to tell you how to nurse that familial grudge so it lasts the whole year.

1. Get a tattoo to remember why you're pissed. You might regret having to explain "Jack broke my firetruck" to every person who sees you naked, but that anger will just fuel your grudge. Take that pain and use it. Jack should've been more careful.

2. Reminder emails. Many calendar programs have the capability to send reminder emails so you never forget the important things like "That time Uncle Vito stole my girlfriend." Just program it to send a short note about the past injustice once a month and that grudgy spirit really can last all year.

3. Support groups. It's hard to stick to a regiment of seething rage on your own. You might find that having friends who are going through the same challenges of maintaining a vendetta can be enjoyable and beneficial.

4. Find a mentor. You might think that you invented the grudge, but the world has a long history of hanging on to upsets ever since Uglok used Muglok's wooden club without asking. Odds are you can find someone in your community who's older than you and therefore much, much more bitter. You wouldn't try to win a gold medal without a coach, right? Well your new curmudgeon is an Olympic champion of grudges. Don't let those years of experience go to waste.

5. Pace yourself. Grudging is not a sprint, but a marathon. The goal is to find a way to be pissed throughout the whole year without burning yourself out. Too many people get so mad about the wrongs that have been done to them that they simply can't sustain the emotion for a month, let alone the rest of their lives. If you find that you need to take off some time for yourself to just be happy for a little while, that's okay, as long as you understand that you're leaving the grudge temporarily so you can come back to it stronger, refreshed, and more bitter than ever.

People may tell you to let it go and just forget about it, but let me tell you something: those people are quitters. If you're going to succeed in your goals of grudging you need to shut out those negative voices and start saying yes. I believe in you.

And if you ever get discouraged and feel like quitting and you think there's no way you could keep on being angry at someone so long for something so stupid, gather strength from this: Gonzo's pants are still there.

Comments

David Fox said…
Sage advice!! Let's hope Gonzo reads this so we can enjoy his pants for many years to come.
Annie Fox said…
Uglok messed with Muglok's club?! Man, he did the same thing to me too! Damn that makes me mad and I'm not going to suppress it any longer. Goodbye Ms. Nice-nice... I'm heading to the tatoo parlor so I never forget the #@$$%! Uglok... EVER!!!!!!
we need a picture of gonzo's pants.. and what color are they? khakis?
*slow clap rising to a crescendo*

That's a stranger being moved to action by this inspiring post.
Ezra Fox said…
Always happy to be an inspiration!

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