Broken in Malaysia
I eyed the car's dashboard. Whenever we hit a puddle, the emergency indicators would all light up for several seconds.
"That's a really good metaphor for this country," I told Len.
"This car was made in Japan," he said.
"Yeah," I said, "but it was broken here."
There are the places that make you and the places that break you, which then allow you to become remade somewhere and someway else. I came here to be broken, even if I didn't realize it at the time.
There is a short 10 minute video of the first time the ETAs met their mentors and their foster parents and it makes me want to cry a little every time I watch it. In the interceding 6 months since the video was made, nearly all of us have lost weight and/or muscle mass, aged approximately 5 years, and lost the child-like glint in our eyes. I wish I was making this up. You can actually compare the footage of how we looked then and how we look now and have no choice but to conclude that several very hard years separated the two images.
I'm learning to be grateful for the rapid aging that took place here. I figure if I grew up a lot here, it's because I had a lot of growing up to do. I remember reading/hearing awhile ago that bones get a little stronger where they were broken once they heal. I know it's definitely true for muscles. You break 'em down through PUMPING IRON (to be said in an Austrian accent) and they get STRAHNGAH than before. With Governator Schwarzenegger's ethos firmly in mind, I can say that this broken version of myself is definitely stronger in parts. I am fearless when it comes to long stretches of time with nothing to do, faceless bureaucracies, consuming fish of any size or flavor, and living in intense and unending heat, the likes of which would make any LA girl reach for another iced no-whip caramel macchiato.
On the other hand I do remember reading that ligaments and joints are prone to further injury once first broken or more technically "destroyed by gravity and stupidity working in tandem." With that in mind, this older, wiser, more broken Ezra is notably ruined when it comes to:
- driving on the right side of the road
- drinking anything that isn't mostly sugar
- eating anything that isn't mostly fried
- conversing in standard English... or standard Malay... standard anything is pretty much gone for good.
- going a day without getting to say "What's up" and "Peace out" to dozens of kids
- punctuality... but for those who know me, it's not like that was ever really a strong suit
- talking to members of the opposite sex. This one was pretty surprising. Sarah's yoga class came over to our house yesterday to make cookies and they surprised both of us by taking off their tudungs and eagerly chatted and giggled with and near me. It was kind of funny because at first I was afraid to look at them or say anything because I didn't want them to get scared and cover their hair again. It was like stalking a groundhog or a butterfly. I appreciate that this might not be a normal reaction, and that my social skills are now considerably faulty.
But whether the breaks are beneficial or merely crippling, it's safe to say the damage is already done. It will probably take some time before I can talk to women without feeling like I'm going to Hell (possibly several Hells), but it'll happen. It might take some time before I can drive on the right side of the road without trying to swerve into oncoming traffic, but it'll happen too. And it'll definitely take some time before I get that glint of child-like wonder back in my eyes, but that'll happen, sooner or later. It's easy to think that I'll never adjust to life in America again, but I never thought I'd adjust to life in Malaysia, and clearly I did. It'll just take time. The cultural forces that twisted and prodded me into shape over the last 6 months will be replaced by new cultural forces that will twist and prod me into a new shape over the next 6 months.
Maybe I was wrong in saying I was broken in Malaysia. Maybe I was just bent. And it's time to get ready to bend some way else. I can't go back to how I was before, but it should be a relief that I probably won't need to. After all, wasn't it Arnold Schwarzenegger himself that said "There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered"?
No?
Not the Governator?
...
Oh! It's Mandela. I always mix up those two.
"That's a really good metaphor for this country," I told Len.
"This car was made in Japan," he said.
"Yeah," I said, "but it was broken here."
There are the places that make you and the places that break you, which then allow you to become remade somewhere and someway else. I came here to be broken, even if I didn't realize it at the time.
There is a short 10 minute video of the first time the ETAs met their mentors and their foster parents and it makes me want to cry a little every time I watch it. In the interceding 6 months since the video was made, nearly all of us have lost weight and/or muscle mass, aged approximately 5 years, and lost the child-like glint in our eyes. I wish I was making this up. You can actually compare the footage of how we looked then and how we look now and have no choice but to conclude that several very hard years separated the two images.
I'm learning to be grateful for the rapid aging that took place here. I figure if I grew up a lot here, it's because I had a lot of growing up to do. I remember reading/hearing awhile ago that bones get a little stronger where they were broken once they heal. I know it's definitely true for muscles. You break 'em down through PUMPING IRON (to be said in an Austrian accent) and they get STRAHNGAH than before. With Governator Schwarzenegger's ethos firmly in mind, I can say that this broken version of myself is definitely stronger in parts. I am fearless when it comes to long stretches of time with nothing to do, faceless bureaucracies, consuming fish of any size or flavor, and living in intense and unending heat, the likes of which would make any LA girl reach for another iced no-whip caramel macchiato.
On the other hand I do remember reading that ligaments and joints are prone to further injury once first broken or more technically "destroyed by gravity and stupidity working in tandem." With that in mind, this older, wiser, more broken Ezra is notably ruined when it comes to:
- driving on the right side of the road
- drinking anything that isn't mostly sugar
- eating anything that isn't mostly fried
- conversing in standard English... or standard Malay... standard anything is pretty much gone for good.
- going a day without getting to say "What's up" and "Peace out" to dozens of kids
- punctuality... but for those who know me, it's not like that was ever really a strong suit
- talking to members of the opposite sex. This one was pretty surprising. Sarah's yoga class came over to our house yesterday to make cookies and they surprised both of us by taking off their tudungs and eagerly chatted and giggled with and near me. It was kind of funny because at first I was afraid to look at them or say anything because I didn't want them to get scared and cover their hair again. It was like stalking a groundhog or a butterfly. I appreciate that this might not be a normal reaction, and that my social skills are now considerably faulty.
But whether the breaks are beneficial or merely crippling, it's safe to say the damage is already done. It will probably take some time before I can talk to women without feeling like I'm going to Hell (possibly several Hells), but it'll happen. It might take some time before I can drive on the right side of the road without trying to swerve into oncoming traffic, but it'll happen too. And it'll definitely take some time before I get that glint of child-like wonder back in my eyes, but that'll happen, sooner or later. It's easy to think that I'll never adjust to life in America again, but I never thought I'd adjust to life in Malaysia, and clearly I did. It'll just take time. The cultural forces that twisted and prodded me into shape over the last 6 months will be replaced by new cultural forces that will twist and prod me into a new shape over the next 6 months.
Maybe I was wrong in saying I was broken in Malaysia. Maybe I was just bent. And it's time to get ready to bend some way else. I can't go back to how I was before, but it should be a relief that I probably won't need to. After all, wasn't it Arnold Schwarzenegger himself that said "There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered"?
No?
Not the Governator?
...
Oh! It's Mandela. I always mix up those two.
Comments
that would make a great bumper sticker :)
Here's to your new flexibility... and to the return of the child-like glint in your eyes!
Dude. You are aware that you're petrifying me with your descriptions, aren't you?
I supppose you're faced with issues like these, which my fellow Malaysian blogger has brought up.
Some of my KL sisters aren't very modest with their dressing, unlike your Terengganu ones, evidently.
Kind of like learning how to drive both a manual and automatic transmission car. At first, it's really strange and you keep wanting to use the clutch (if you're on an automatic and used to a manual) or forget to shift (if vice versa). But after a while of switching between the two, it's kind of like there's a mental switch you throw into the correct mode for the current situation.
Once you have that switch installed, it's pretty easy to quickly set it to the environment you find yourself in. I predict you'll find it's in place within 2-3 day of returning (if not faster).