God's Gym

Sarah's been law clerking in Oakland over the summer at the International Institute of the Bay Area, working with undocumented immigrants who've had terrible stuff happened to them, and through the quirks of US immigration policy, are able to parlay those terrible experiences into legal status. Thanks to the U Visa, if you're the victim of a violent crime and help out with the police investigation, you could become a permanent resident. It's like winning the lottery, only worse.

Of course, that's assuming you're in a sanctuary city where the police won't call ICE to report you. If you're not in a sanctuary city, then your reward for being a victim of violence might just be deportation, which by all accounts is a pretty crappy prize.

Anyway, with Sarah's temporary addition to Oakland's workforce, I've become a temporary addition to Oakland's tourists. I don't know what you've heard about Oakland, but there's really only one thing you need to know: Jesus works out there.

Note the spelling. Not Jesús, although I suppose that's possible too. Savior to some, beard fashion pioneer to all.

Here is a photo of the exterior, but the picture really doesn't do justice to the epic painting in the middle. Here's the same basic image taken from a different part of the building.

Honestly, I don't even know where to begin.

Here's what we know about Jesus based on this picture:
1. He might be Asian.

2. He might be Zeus.

3. He's come to free blue slaves and white slaves and unite them by self-mutilation.

4. Unlike some gods that have clay feet, he has no feet. Doesn't need 'em.

5. If you get really buff, your head shrinks.

6. Widow's peaks are the mark of God. I now owe Eddie Munster an apology.

7. Most of his workout regiments involve extensive chain-breaking (hard) and chain lifting (easy). So, it's pretty much interval work.

8. Crucifixion was pretty kind to him on the whole, since he only has a small nipple-like mark on his right hand. Inexplicably, someone seems to have taken a bite out of his right tricep, which still is bigger than his face.

9. Jesus definitely juices.

Now this painting is by no means the first version of a muscle-bound Jesus, or even the first non-traditional Jesus but most of them look pretty scrawny by comparison, whereas the only thing standing between Juicing Jesus and the Hulk is a little yellow tint.

I was going to go ahead and say that beef-cake Jesus was limited to gym appearances, but apparently he can be in cartoon form on YouTube as well. And he's Scottish. Note: the squeamish might not enjoy it so much. Click at your own risk.