Jerks on America Day

Here are some things that make guys act like jerks:

Being in the dark
Alcohol
Being near a girl
Being far from girls
Other people having a good time
Not being the center of attention

By my count I have two sources of child-like wonder left in my life: Pixar movies and fireworks, and I'll be damned if I let jerks ruin either of them for me.

Here are some things I don't need to hear you say while I'm watching fireworks.

"I'm going to pee in this bottle so I don't miss the final countdown."
Look guy, I don't know you. Everyone pees, and sometimes, yes, it's necessary to pee in a bottle. But it's almost never necessary to tell 100 strangers that you're about to pee in a bottle. I can think of maybe three situations where it might be important to give this kind of announcement, and one of them involves a magic trick, two of them involve an apple juice factory, and none of them involve marring a majestic fireworks display.

"It's the final countdown!" (sings The Final Countdown)
You were very clever to substitute the words "grand finale" with the techno song re-popularized a brilliant TV show. Now stop singing before I hate the song, the TV show, and the world. I came here to watch beautiful explosions, not listen to your flirty brand of arrogance as you hit on your friends' dates.

"Boom!"
You don't need to say boom. The fireworks just said boom. And it was more convincing, anyway. You don't say "crunch" when you recklessly run over wildlife or "glug, glug" when you drown your sorrows in watery domestic beer. Don't say boom when things explode. It demeans the entire experience.

"That one's my favorite!"
It's good to have favorites. But if you say it after every explosion and wait for a laugh from your friends, I believe a little bit less each time, teenage boy with giggly friends. And every time you say it, I'm reminded that you're here sitting 10 feet away from me, which is three miles too close, you happiness vampire, you.

"Yeah, yeah we know, you explode into smaller pieces."
So you know those fireworks that explode and then branch off into smaller explosions? What kind of terrible person do you have to be to cynically dismiss something so beautiful and pure? What kind of incredible life do you think you lead that would allow you crap over exploding lights in the air? Is it your job to wipe your ass with original impressionist paintings? Do you perhaps create sunsets for a living? Or are you a jerk? Ah, that makes sense now.

Here's what I want to hear you say:
"Oooh..."
"Ahhh...." also is acceptable.

Otherwise kindly leave your jaw gaping open in silent reverence while the fireworks gods appease my boom-lust.

Happy America Day, everyone.

Comments

David Fox said…
Hah! Were we at the same fireworks show? I definitely heard a few of those, but not the "pee in a bottle" one... Oh, maybe that was me.
1:09 AM
Carla Zilbersmith said…
you make me happy, you lovable misanthrope.
8:40 AM
*thoreau po-mo* said…
Ez! I was thinking about Malaysia and not being in Malaysia, and was reminded of your blog. (Remember how Kapas Island welcomed the ETA crew last July?)

Thanks for validating my propensity to raise a fist and shake it like the Grandpa from the Simpsons when "Independence" Day culminates in a fireworks display that elicits such intelligent responses as those from your fellow audience. At least nobody tossed up a pee bottle and then shot it out of the inky sky with his trusty musket. That would have been messy.

Miss you and Sarah! Come visit me and Cameron in Austin. :)
5:54 AM
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