Humans are Terrible People

I didn't see Ralph Nader speak today. I don't get to see him speak most days, but today I came closer than usual, so I think it's noteworthy. Ralphie Boy came to speak at Sarah's law school today and along with my Whitman friend Anthea, we almost got to see him speak.

Here's what happened. Sarah had class in the place where the talk was going on, so she just stuck around and saved seats for Anthea and me. So far, so good. Except before Anthea and I could make our way through the long line to get into the room, a couple of girls ahead approached Sarah:

2 Girls: Are these seats saved?

Sarah: Yes, sorry!

2 Girls: You can't save seats.

Sarah: ...What?

2 Girls: You can't save seats. It's the rule.

Sarah: Actually, there isn't a rule about saving seats...

2 Girls: (They ignore her and they promptly remove her stuff out of the seats, toss them at her and sit down.)

Sarah: (Freezes in shock.)

So by the time Anthea and I got into the room our seats were definitely jacked. When we asked the 2 girls about it, one of them said that someone would've done the same thing after them if they hadn't. (I've tried using the same defense with eating the last slice of pie and that crap doesn't fly in our house.) I was then treated to a pretty heated argument between Sarah and the two seat-stealing girls, mainly consisting of whether it was common courtesy not to save seats, or not to steal them. Sarah, decently pissed, vacated the remaining seat, cleverly leaving the two girls to receive their punishment of having to listen to Ralph Nader for two hours with no exit. Muahahaha....

I'm not surprised that these things happen exactly, but I am surprised that the girls weren't hotter. Usually when people are jerks in public they're damn attractive, damn rich, or damn famous. These girls were nothing to write home about, dressed like peasants, and from the looks of them their last name was not Obama.


Here's my quick and easy multiple choice test for all you people who are wondering if you can get away being a jerk:

1. When people see me they:
a. Ask for my autograph.
b. Blind themselves afterward so I'm the last thing they ever see.
c. Lick my shoes, because that's what I pay them to do.
d. Say hi or do nothing.

If you answered d, here's a follow-up question:

2. Is it because they are literally paralyzed by your beauty?
a. Yes, that's it.
b. No.

If you answered b, here's one last question:

3. Really? Are you sure?
a. My mistake. I really am causing paralysis by my hotness.
b. Yes. I'm sure.

There you have it, a simple, three step test for whether or not you can get away with being a jerk. If you answered anything but "d, b, b" you'll no doubt find that you can get away with pretty much anything. Diplomats get diplomatic immunity, and now you have something even better: damn sexy immunity. You can also get free drinks at most bars, raises when you don't deserve them, and you can talk your way out of or into anything your damn sexy heart desires. Congrats, you've hit the jerk jackpot. Go nuts and tell everyone how much more important you are than them.

I'm sorry to say this, but if you are one of the unfortunate people who did answer d, b, b, your outlook is somewhat bleaker. You know those creatures that are not at the top of the food chain? That's you. The people in the kingdom who aren't the king? You again. Art Garfunkel? The Rest of the Jackson Five? Any Cambodian child who wasn't adopted by Angelina Jolie? You. You. You. Someone had to draw the short straw, and it sure wasn't going to be the kid whose last name is Jolie-Pitt.

So to these 2 girls who thought they had damn sexy immunity, it might be time to take a good, long look in the mirror. I think you'll both realize that you simply don't have what it takes to be members of the human elite. Please judge yourselves harshly and see you just aren't pretty enough to be as mean as you were. Either get prettier or nicer. I don't really care which.

So, dear readers, keep this mind as you celebrate your Thanksgiving with your loved ones: only be a jerk if you're really sure you can get away with it. And before you get started, here's a pointer: you probably can't.