Mom and Pop Crack Shop

Raise your hand if this has ever happened to you:

You're biking home from your local organic foods co-op after a mostly successful shopping trip and you can't shake the nagging feeling that you didn't get everything on your list.
Bread? Check.
Butter? Check.
Crack cocaine?

No! You forgot to get the crack! It's terrible right? How else will you get your 1-2 servings a day of things that are low in carbs but high in crack? But wait! Two strangers walk past you right outside your house, and you know since one of them is wearing a flashlight for a shirt (bare-chested with an illuminated LED hanging from his neck) that these are crack fairies sent from Heaven to help you.

Sure enough, as you pass, Flashlight-Shirt says, "Do you want some crack?"

Saved.

This just happened half an hour ago. More than anything else I was just surprised... for several reasons, actually.

1. Did they actually have crack, or were they looking for some common ground with me?
"No, I don't want any crack."
"Cool, we don't want any crack either."
"Awesome! You're alright by me, Flashlight-Shirt!"

2. Is the Davis crack consumption really high enough that indiscriminately asking passersby if they want any could be a viable marketing strategy? I'm pretty sure that wouldn't work with toilet paper, and I'm even more sure that more people use toilet paper than crack cocaine.
"Hey man, you want some TP?"
"No... I think I have enough. Just got a 24-pack at Costco."
"Oh yeah, that's a good deal.
"Yeah, Costco's the best."
"Yeah, great value."

3. Did I unknowingly fit a crack fiend's profile? Did I look like I could use some crack? Did I bear a striking resemblance to Flashlight-Shirt's best customer who coincidentally, also enjoys buying organic food and not driving cars? Or maybe Flashlight-Shirt and Friend simply had a crack-desire detector on them...
"Let's see: riding a bike... got a backpack full of groceries... oh! He's wearing a blue shirt! The detector's going off! He's totally gonna buy some crack from us!"

It makes me think that crack dealers might be a dying breed. In the new economy where you can get Walmart Crack that was produced with child labor for half the price or Amazon.com Crack shipped to your doorstep, how can the Mom and Pop crack dealers, or even Creepy Guy and Creepy Guy's Friend crack dealers, compete with multinational rock slingers? America used to stand for something: selling crack through genuine human interactions. But now it's all about the bottom line. I feel for crack peddlers like Flashlight-Shirt. He knows his days are numbered. I bet he comes from at least four generations of crack peddlers. What would great grandpappy Flashlight-Shirt say if he saw how Big Business pushed honest crack dealers out of the market?

Well, knowing great grandpappy Flashlight-Shirt, he'd probably nod his weathered face and gaze far off into the distance with those sad, faded blue eyes before opening his cracked mouth to say the only thing he could say, the only thing he ever said:

"Do you want some crack?"

Comments

Andrea B. (Red Loper) said…
I believe the grandpa had a Lantern Shirt.
2:10 AM
Unknown said…
ezra. just for the record, i think your blog is GREAT.
5:51 PM
Anonymous said…
Excellent! Ez this one really got me. I liked it so much I sent it to ten friends who like organic food and crack. I figure they'll appreciate it.
Fay
4:44 AM
David Fox said…
If only you had remembered to buy it at the Co-op, where they give you 5% off on your crack purchases, Flashlight Shirt's crack-detector wouldn't have gone off and you would have had to write about something else instead. Next time. Always another day.
10:54 PM
Anonymous said…
Hi there, I'm a friend of your sister's and she sent me the link to this blog entry. LOVE IT! Laugh out loud. Are you a writer?
11:40 PM
Ezra Fox said…
Yes, I suppose I am. Thanks for reading, everyone!
10:43 AM
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