I think I might be the devil
It occurred to me as I was driving with Mr. Fix-it that I might react differently to news than the average Terenganu-ite.
He was telling me that over the last vacation he got to meet with his special girlfriend and brought her a cheesecake. She's not from Terengganu so they don't get to see each other that often, and the conversation made my day because:
1. He was was really happy. Mr. Fix-it is kind of reserved (except in his ebullient text messages, oddly enough) so it was great to see some relatively strong emotions.
2. A cheesecake might be the perfect gift for reuniting with a special girlfriend. It's touching in an innocent way, since the thought is completely there, but it's an unusual gift. It feels like what a boy might give a girl in kindergarten, which might be enough to make me cry a little.
3. He said "special girlfriend." Even if he had other girlfriends, this one's different. This one makes him happy. This one he brings cheesecake to. This one's special. (I bring my special girlfriend roti chenai, but I think the principle's the same.)
4. This is the reason I think I might be the devil. It made me happy that he was likely doing something that wasn't exactly keeping with Islam. It made me happy that he might've been breaking a proximity law.
This has happened a couple of times with various people saying that they have a special someone, the kind you might bring cheesecake to, and me grinning like my child finally found someone. I get so much joy from my co-workers spending time (illicitly) with members of the opposite sex. It humanizes them to me.
There have been a few times when I've seen women I work with wearing a simple skull cap instead of a full tudung and just seeing more of their faces makes them seem accessible in a way they weren't before. It's the same thing with people having someone to bring a cheesecake to. They become more like me, since we both have to keep secrets in this country. And since I one day want to be able to tell them my secrets, I can accept whatever they say without judgment. Their transgressions against their values are no transgressions against mine.
This is not the hard-fought tolerance that I've mentioned before. This is an easy acceptance. I am happy for them because they are like me. As much as I am able to accept myself for the secrets I have to keep in my life here, I am able to accept them for the same. We are seen as sinners under the same eyes, but when we look at each other, we can see brothers.
I wonder if this is what it feels like to be the devil. We've been told that the devil is deliberately evil and desires that the holy transgress because he knows it's wrong. What if the devil sees himself as good? What if the devil sees the values of the holy as tolerable, but different from his? What if the devil doesn't realize he is the devil?
Ultimately, it makes me happy to hear that the people I know have kept secrets because it makes me feel normal. The coping mechanism that I've found, they've found too. And maybe it makes them happy to share their joy with someone who accepts them. Does that make us both devils? Or are we more human?
It's a big lonely world out there. I think if you're lucky enough to find someone to bring a cheesecake to, it's cause enough to celebrate. Even if it is the devil's cheesecake.
He was telling me that over the last vacation he got to meet with his special girlfriend and brought her a cheesecake. She's not from Terengganu so they don't get to see each other that often, and the conversation made my day because:
1. He was was really happy. Mr. Fix-it is kind of reserved (except in his ebullient text messages, oddly enough) so it was great to see some relatively strong emotions.
2. A cheesecake might be the perfect gift for reuniting with a special girlfriend. It's touching in an innocent way, since the thought is completely there, but it's an unusual gift. It feels like what a boy might give a girl in kindergarten, which might be enough to make me cry a little.
3. He said "special girlfriend." Even if he had other girlfriends, this one's different. This one makes him happy. This one he brings cheesecake to. This one's special. (I bring my special girlfriend roti chenai, but I think the principle's the same.)
4. This is the reason I think I might be the devil. It made me happy that he was likely doing something that wasn't exactly keeping with Islam. It made me happy that he might've been breaking a proximity law.
This has happened a couple of times with various people saying that they have a special someone, the kind you might bring cheesecake to, and me grinning like my child finally found someone. I get so much joy from my co-workers spending time (illicitly) with members of the opposite sex. It humanizes them to me.
There have been a few times when I've seen women I work with wearing a simple skull cap instead of a full tudung and just seeing more of their faces makes them seem accessible in a way they weren't before. It's the same thing with people having someone to bring a cheesecake to. They become more like me, since we both have to keep secrets in this country. And since I one day want to be able to tell them my secrets, I can accept whatever they say without judgment. Their transgressions against their values are no transgressions against mine.
This is not the hard-fought tolerance that I've mentioned before. This is an easy acceptance. I am happy for them because they are like me. As much as I am able to accept myself for the secrets I have to keep in my life here, I am able to accept them for the same. We are seen as sinners under the same eyes, but when we look at each other, we can see brothers.
I wonder if this is what it feels like to be the devil. We've been told that the devil is deliberately evil and desires that the holy transgress because he knows it's wrong. What if the devil sees himself as good? What if the devil sees the values of the holy as tolerable, but different from his? What if the devil doesn't realize he is the devil?
Ultimately, it makes me happy to hear that the people I know have kept secrets because it makes me feel normal. The coping mechanism that I've found, they've found too. And maybe it makes them happy to share their joy with someone who accepts them. Does that make us both devils? Or are we more human?
It's a big lonely world out there. I think if you're lucky enough to find someone to bring a cheesecake to, it's cause enough to celebrate. Even if it is the devil's cheesecake.
Comments
Love,
The devil's sister
Osaka, Japan