Five Reasons the Swine Flu Isn't Going to Kill Everyone

1. Swine Flu is a wimpy name. In non-Muslim countries, swine hasn't been a cutting-edge insult for a long, long time. Douche Bag Flu would be more current. As a result, I just can't get that worked up about such a weak name. And thus it has been throughout history. Examples:

The Black Death - Rating: 10/10
Cool color + what will happen to you = devastation of 2/3rds of Europe's population.

Whooping Cough - Rating 2/10
Silly crowd noise + excuse to get codeine laced cough syrup = future of over-the-counter drug abuse... but no death. Plus the fact that it has a very effective vaccine has cut down the number of annual deaths from 10,000 to about 30, kinda makes it seem lame.

2. As far as I can tell, the only real effect it has in the US is to turn Republican senators into Democrats, and to get everyone's mind off of the terrible economy. I'm pretty okay with both of those things.

3. As my friend Alex said on Facebook, "If malaria was as inefficient at killing people as swine flu is, it would jump off a building."

4. The regular flu kills about 100 people in the US a day. Accidents (unintentional injuries) kill more than four times that many. Right now, any bizarre way that you can think of someone dying, (like being struck by falling satellites) has a better chance of happening, assuming it's already happened at least once in the US. In other words, if you think you're going to be killed by swine flu, you should also be buying lottery tickets because it's currently that unlikely.

5. Fox News is freaked out about it. Need I say more?

So take a deep breath (preferably far, far away from that old guy who keeps on coughing) and order up another BLT. It's only another three years before The Black Undeath turns us all into zombies and destroys the world, so you better enjoy this lightweight swine flu while it lasts.

Comments

Unknown said…
I'm thinking that "swine flu" is much better than "pig flu" or "oink oink flue" though. And since it originated with pigs, it would make more sense to keep the name...

Actually, I think, since it seems to be originating from Mexico, that we could maybe call it "SOTB Flu" (south of the border)...
11:43 PM
Unknown said…
How about The Consumption? It's hungry and you look like food. I can't tell if that's bad ass or if I want to go eat a cookie.
6:09 AM
Fayette Fox said…
Well shoot. I'm convinced. I'll stop panicking now and eat a cookie. Mmmm....cookies.
7:52 PM
Andrea B. (Red Loper) said…
They are turning people into zombies!!

http://bouncewith.me.uk/europe/8027043.htm
11:52 PM
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