Best. Holiday. Ever.
So, Valentine's Day, right?
I can appreciate that it might not be everyone's favorite holiday. It's pretty easy to take some pot shots at it:
1. The Hippie Purist angle: "It's supposed to be about the love, man. Hallmark just commercialized it. Which is why I build my valentine cards out of hemp that I weave myself."
2. The Eleanor Rigby angle: "This holiday is dedicated to making me feel terrible for being alone. (Ah, look at all the lonely people)"
3. Bugs Moran's angle: "All of my men were killed in a massacre. I'm also very lonely."
4. The Pink M&M hating angle: "These pink M&Ms are ruining the sanctity of marriage."
But here at Ezra Not in Malaysia, we prefer to take the alternative view of things, regardless of whether or not it's sensible. With that in mind, I give you 8 reasons why Valentine's Day is a fantastic holiday.
1. It's pedophile-friendly. This might not seem like a great selling point at first, but since all the pedophiles are occupied with indecent pictures of the ubiquitous Cupid, it's probably one of the safer holidays for the children who would otherwise be targets.
2. Someone's bound to get some tonight. If it's not you, then it might very well be some people you know, so you could at least be happy for them. If you don't have a date, just go around high-fiving everyone you see. They'll know what it's for.
3. Expensive chocolate on the 14th means cheap chocolate on the 15th. Nothing wrong with that. You can also pick up half-off pink teddy bears, industrial-grade conversation hearts, and edible underwear starting the morning after. Plus you could stock up on cards for next year. Sales abound.
4. It gets kids out of having to do work for at least an hour at school. Do you guys remember how good Valentine's Day was in elementary school? First, there were free cupcakes. Second, you got to waste a bunch of time making a mailbox and passing out valentines. Third, you could find out someone liked you and you could then make fun of that person with your friends. Those were the days, right?
5. If you don't have a date and you've never been convicted of a sex crime, you can totally make some extra money baby-sitting for a married couple. Which means you can buy even more cheap candy and edible lingerie the next day.
6. It's a great day for puns. If you love wordplay based around "heart" and "love" combined with popular cartoon characters and printed on perforated cardstock, then this is the holiday for you. So good!
7. You can be a jerk to optimistic people. Maybe you're a bit of a Debbie Downer. A child of darkness. A Daria, if you will. That's fine, but surely you need some Pollyannas on which to crap upon. On Valentine's Day all the happy-go-lucky Prozac poppers are out en masse both figuratively and literally wearing hearts on their sleeves. If you're not one of them, feel free to take your best shot at them. They'll be too overwhelmed with love to notice, anyway.
8. Sure, romantic love gets all the attention on the 14th, but this is a day when you get to be there for your friends. You give them candy and tell them that you like being their friend. There's no other holiday even remotely like this. And there's no holiday when your friends, depressed that they aren't getting any action, need you more. That's what this holiday's about: it brings to the forefront the fear of dying alone so you are forced to spend all of your time with your friends eating sugar until you realize that you're pretty lucky to have them in your life. You're not alone after all. It's a beautiful thing.
Plus, if you guys get drunk together, there's always a chance you could hook up. Be ready with that high-five just in case.
I can appreciate that it might not be everyone's favorite holiday. It's pretty easy to take some pot shots at it:
1. The Hippie Purist angle: "It's supposed to be about the love, man. Hallmark just commercialized it. Which is why I build my valentine cards out of hemp that I weave myself."
2. The Eleanor Rigby angle: "This holiday is dedicated to making me feel terrible for being alone. (Ah, look at all the lonely people)"
3. Bugs Moran's angle: "All of my men were killed in a massacre. I'm also very lonely."
4. The Pink M&M hating angle: "These pink M&Ms are ruining the sanctity of marriage."
But here at Ezra Not in Malaysia, we prefer to take the alternative view of things, regardless of whether or not it's sensible. With that in mind, I give you 8 reasons why Valentine's Day is a fantastic holiday.
1. It's pedophile-friendly. This might not seem like a great selling point at first, but since all the pedophiles are occupied with indecent pictures of the ubiquitous Cupid, it's probably one of the safer holidays for the children who would otherwise be targets.
2. Someone's bound to get some tonight. If it's not you, then it might very well be some people you know, so you could at least be happy for them. If you don't have a date, just go around high-fiving everyone you see. They'll know what it's for.
3. Expensive chocolate on the 14th means cheap chocolate on the 15th. Nothing wrong with that. You can also pick up half-off pink teddy bears, industrial-grade conversation hearts, and edible underwear starting the morning after. Plus you could stock up on cards for next year. Sales abound.
4. It gets kids out of having to do work for at least an hour at school. Do you guys remember how good Valentine's Day was in elementary school? First, there were free cupcakes. Second, you got to waste a bunch of time making a mailbox and passing out valentines. Third, you could find out someone liked you and you could then make fun of that person with your friends. Those were the days, right?
5. If you don't have a date and you've never been convicted of a sex crime, you can totally make some extra money baby-sitting for a married couple. Which means you can buy even more cheap candy and edible lingerie the next day.
6. It's a great day for puns. If you love wordplay based around "heart" and "love" combined with popular cartoon characters and printed on perforated cardstock, then this is the holiday for you. So good!
7. You can be a jerk to optimistic people. Maybe you're a bit of a Debbie Downer. A child of darkness. A Daria, if you will. That's fine, but surely you need some Pollyannas on which to crap upon. On Valentine's Day all the happy-go-lucky Prozac poppers are out en masse both figuratively and literally wearing hearts on their sleeves. If you're not one of them, feel free to take your best shot at them. They'll be too overwhelmed with love to notice, anyway.
8. Sure, romantic love gets all the attention on the 14th, but this is a day when you get to be there for your friends. You give them candy and tell them that you like being their friend. There's no other holiday even remotely like this. And there's no holiday when your friends, depressed that they aren't getting any action, need you more. That's what this holiday's about: it brings to the forefront the fear of dying alone so you are forced to spend all of your time with your friends eating sugar until you realize that you're pretty lucky to have them in your life. You're not alone after all. It's a beautiful thing.
Plus, if you guys get drunk together, there's always a chance you could hook up. Be ready with that high-five just in case.
Comments
Oh, and I'll be sure to give you a really big, hard high-five when I see you tomorrow.