How to Shame Friends and Impress Enemies at Your High School Reunion

If, like myself, you're one year out of college, that means you're also five years out of high school. I understand that high school might not have been the best time for everyone, so it is imperative that you make a good impression on your former crushes and current targets of Facebook-stalkery. I like to keep a couple of things firmly in mind to make sure I let everyone know how great I'm doing.

1. Jobs (Or in other words, how badly you're doing.)
Everyone you'll see will have only had a year to get their life together after earning a mostly worthless BA from an expensive liberal arts college, so you'll be on pretty much equal footing to begin with. But since you all want to stay as idealistic as possible, the winner of the vocational contest will go to the person who is making the least amount of money doing the least desirable work.

Good idealist jobs: Unemployed, interning on a remote organic lettuce farm, working for a nonprofit that encourages the homeless to vote for Obama.

Bad idealist jobs: Anything with the words "broker," "legal," or "manager" in the title, as they all imply making money and selling out. Exceptions include jobs that also have "nonprofit," "organic," and "immigrants" in the title.

2. Life experiences
Basically, anything you've done that no one else was stupid enough to do. You've only had five years to differentiate yourself from the pack. You're probably not published, rich, or pregnant yet, but there's a good chance you've done something uniquely painful in your life, hopefully in a place the other person has never been to. They'll think you're cool because the less someone can imagine themselves doing what you did, the more impressed they'll probably be.

"Oh, wow, you really lived in a flooded Indian orphanage for a month eating only a bowl of rice every week? That must've been such an incredible experience."

Plus, odds are pretty solid that they've done something equally stupid and painful in an entirely different country, so you both get to be impressed at each others uniquely stupid and painful experiences. I've pretty much nailed this one: since Sarah's not coming to the reunion, I'll bet I'm going to be the only one there who taught in Terengganu. Score.

3. Gossip
Since most of your classmates will have something better to do on a Saturday than go back to high school, they'll be plenty of people absent who you can gossip about. If you've kept in touch with anyone in particular, or if you're reasonably sure that you can lie about keeping in touch with someone without getting caught, then here's your time to shine. You will have to strike a delicate balance, however. You want to give the impression that you're cool enough to warrant someone staying friends with you for another five years, while at the same time not giving the impression that you haven't made any new friends in the last half-decade.

Good gossip: Do you remember Ezra Fox? I just talked to him a few months ago. Turns out he finally got that extra toe removed! (Excellent. It shows you're close, but not too close, and shares something bad about the person while appearing to be something good.)

Bad gossip: Oh man, Ezra and me were chilling last night and this prostitute totally robbed us. (What, do you guys still hang out every night like in high school? Grow up. Besides, everyone's already heard this one.)

Above all else, have an escape plan already in place. If you're like me, this entails having your parents drop you off a block from the school and then drive ahead to a pre-arranged rendez-vous point where you will meet them in exactly 8 minutes after helping yourself to the free sandwiches and avoiding being seen by your Bio AP teacher. Since it's not cool to be a high school reunion in the first place, the best way to impress people is to not be there at all.