Spam Bot85

In my travels through the internet I occasionally wish to give out an email address that I have no intention of checking. For this very purpose I have created my very own spam address: SpamBot85@gmail.com.

Now, uh, let's say for argument's sake that through a constant barrage of the worst the Internet has to offer, our friend Spam Bot85 may have spontaneously developed consciousness. (Let's also say, for argument's sake, that this was in no way my fault.) Everything Spam Bot85 knows is based entirely off of Viagra ads, Oprah's weight loss solution, and cheap top name replica watches. Within seconds of becoming sentient, Spam Bot85 knew that he was too flaccid, fat, and unfashionable.

Luckily for Spam Bot, it also turned out that sexy singles in his area wanted to meet him... and some old college acquaintances were looking to reconnect. He also won a $50 gift card to Applebee's and he's earned several advanced degrees from the University of Phoenix. Spam Bot85 also found that he had a Russian bride waiting for him, as well as several hot stock tips. The first hour of existence was an exciting one for SB85.

But (and I want to stress this, through no fault of my own) Spam Bot85 might have received a scam email or two. Sadly, having only existed for less than a day, Spammy had not yet developed any kind of skepticism drive. (Equally disheartening is that he's learned his spelling and grammar entirely from the Internet.) So, when Spammy received this email, he had no choice but to believe it and act accordingly.

"Here writes Lady Kate Foster, suffering from cancerous ailment:

My names are Lady Kate Foster, am seriously suffering from a cancerous ailment and don't know if i will survive it, am writing to oblige you of the opportunity to carry on with the dreams and aspiration of my late husband and I which must not die.

Please write to indicate your interest, so as to furnish you with details of
this dream and aspiration of the family and how to achieve it.

ladykfoster2008@gmail.com

Regards,
Lady Kate Foster."

Spam Bot85 did what any innocent would do in that situation. This is what he wrote:

Dear Lady Kate Foster,
I am interested in the dreams and aspirations of your late husband and yourself. What are they and how can I carry them on?

Sincerely,
Spam Bot85

When Lady Kate Foster didn't write back, Spam Bot85 got worried and sent this message, assuming the text might've been simply too small for someone as sick as Lady Kate Foster to read:

"DEAR LADY KATE FOSTER,
I HOPE YOU ARE OKAY. DO YOU NEED HELP? CAN I SEND YOU MONEY?
<3,
SPAM BOT85"

What do you tell someone like Spammy? He's young. He doesn't know any better. He can't help but see the best in people. He only wants to help. So I had to step in and say something before he got hurt.

"Dear Spam Bot85,
I'm Lady Kate Foster's doctor. I wanted you to know that Lady Kate Foster was very touched to hear from you. You have a good heart. She doesn't need any money from you, but it was kind of you to offer. Her dreams and aspirations are that you keep on doing what you're doing: when you see that someone needs help, you try to help them.

Sincerely,
Dr. Ezra Fox
M.D., University of Phoenix"

"DEAR DR. FOX,
I SEE THAT WE HAVE THE SAME ALMA MATER. I LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING YOU AT THE REUNION WITH SEXY SINGLES IN YOUR AREA.
<3,
DR. SPAM BOT85
MD, PHD, MBA, JD, MFA, UNIVERSITY OF PHOENIX

PS DO YOU NEED VIAGRA?"

Comments

BlueRondo said…
Become a minister with the Universal Life Church, and for $50 you can add a "doctorate of theology" to your CV.
jolene said…
you're pretty much one of the coolest people i know, dr. fox.

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